you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
