So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I pour the whiskey from now on
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
