I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
