the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
