There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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