i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
