dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
