Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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