i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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