everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
