I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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