You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I love you.
Bad choice
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
