Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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