Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
