scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
