Moan for me like Helen Keller
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
