wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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