Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
