i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
