Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
