i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
