Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
