Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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