i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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