I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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