If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
