He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
