Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
