just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
