its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
