Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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