She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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