I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
