I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Randomize
