I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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