I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
So much rum. So many feels.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
so much tequila, so little girl.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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