i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
