Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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