I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
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there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
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It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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