You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
