Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
organizing the empties. That sober.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
