i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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