??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
