I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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