Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
