I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
