Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
