I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
