Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I need water and some morals
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
