two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
