i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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