I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
