good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
