I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
