I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
