he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
